im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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