sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
