don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
