I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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