My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
