I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
