He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
