I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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