Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
this hospital has no fireball
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
