so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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