I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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