I accidentally had phone sex last night
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
