Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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