I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
