Only a mothe r could love this liver
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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