I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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