Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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