Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
