No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
