i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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