thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
