If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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