this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
