I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
