R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
