you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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