Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
