Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
send nudes
from the living room?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
