i already hear my dad disowning me
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
