Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
