i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
