It's like God shit irony all over that family
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
