Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
