I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
