oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
