smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
