Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
