I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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