just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
