Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
