I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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