i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
