Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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