Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
