I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
