I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
