Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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