My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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