Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
