I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
