I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
