I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
