At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
