I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
