sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
