I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
