I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
