Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
