I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
