Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
