you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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