That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
