Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
