Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
