The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
