remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
