wanna go halves on a baby?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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