Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
this is an emotional support booty call
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
